Stop Asking What You Want. Start Asking What You Value
A step-by-step guide to identifying the 4-6 values that quietly shape every decision you make and what changes when you finally name them.
If you've been stuck on a decision lately - a job, a relationship, a move, even something as small as how to spend your weekend - the issue probably isn't the decision itself. It's that you don't have a filter to run it through.
That filter should be your core values but most people have never taken the time to consciously identify theirs.
We talk about this a lot at Good Life Designed - in our Designer Circles, in our Values Edit on Substack, and in every cohort that goes through our six-step process. Values are Step 3 of that process for a reason. They sit at the center of everything: how you lead, how you love, how you spend your time, what you say yes to, and what quietly drains you when you keep saying yes to the wrong things.
Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person - the guiding principles that dictate behavior and action. They are with us subconsciously every day, showing up in almost every decision we make, whether we realize it or not.
The problem isn't that you don't have values. It's that you haven't named them - which means they're running your life without your conscious input.
Why This Matters More Than a List of Nice Words
Successful companies are grounded and guided by a set of core values. They are the essence of the organization. If values are essential to running a successful business, they are even more important for designing and living your best life.
Our founder, Pernille Spiers-Lopez, spent 21 years at IKEA - the last several as President of North America and Global Chief HR Officer, responsible for 130,000 employees. She saw this pattern over and over again:
"I have mentored multiple people and seen how individuals make significant change - either on the inside or the outside - when they reconnect with the core of who they really are. My most unhappy moments at work were due to complete misalignment with my boss and the company. My marriage of 37 years is built on a common set of core values. I could have avoided a lot of mistakes had I much earlier been more aware of what is truly important to me and what I cannot live with."
Identifying your core values makes it much easier to say yes and no to choices in your life. Unhappiness in a marriage, a job, a friendship - can almost always be linked back to alignment of values. Making the decision to consciously explore your core personal values is the decision to reconnect with your true self.
Here is what that reconnection gives you:
A compass for making better life decisions
Confidence and grounding in who you are
The ability to sort out friendships and partnerships with more clarity
A foundation for living with authenticity — not performing a version of yourself that doesn't fit
Getting Started: The First Two Steps
The honest work of identifying your values takes time and reflection. We recommend doing this with pen and paper, not a screen. There is something about the physical act of writing that creates a natural flow and accesses a different kind of honesty.
If you are already journaling - and if you've read our piece on the art of pausing - you know what we mean. The journal is a trusted friend in this process. Write freely, without thinking about it too much. Let your thoughts go where they naturally lead. Write without self-censorship.
Step 1: Start With Questions, Not a List
Before you scan any list of values, spend time in your journal with these questions:
What values did you grow up with?
What was important to your happiness as a child?
What brings you happiness today?
What values do you see at work and in your circles of friends and family?
What values do you want to pass on to your kids?
These aren't random prompts. They surface the values you are already living - not the ones you think you should have. That difference matters more than you might expect right now. It will matter even more by the time you finish this exercise.
Step 2: Build Your First List
Now, start listing all the values that resonate with you. Don't censor too much at this stage. Here are values that come up frequently when people go through this work:
Freedom. Creativity. Security. Adventure. Family. Integrity. Growth. Community. Independence. Health. Spirituality. Justice. Humor. Loyalty. Courage. Compassion. Excellence. Simplicity. Connection. Generosity. Authenticity. Wisdom. Service. Beauty. Balance. Trust. Curiosity. Commitment. Learning. Tradition.
Ask google to give you more to choose from and circle anything that pulls at you - then add your own from the journaling you just did. Most people land on 20 to 30 values. This is your starting material. This is what you're working with.
Where the Real Work Happens
Steps 1 and 2 will get you to a working list. What comes next is where the real shift happens.
The next phase involves a series of prioritization exercises, gut checks, and honest conversations that take you from a list of 30 values down to your final 4 to 6. This is where the deep work lives. It requires you to distinguish between values that are truly yours and values you inherited - from your family, your culture, your religion, your career, your desire to look good on paper.
Pernille experienced this firsthand:
"One of my personal core values was commitment - until my mentor asked me why. I accepted that it is something I feel is very important, but I have now moved it lower on the list. It was definitely passed down from my family and my Lutheran background. It will always be a big piece of who I am, but it doesn't fully encompass what I am about."
She only saw that because someone asked the right question. And that is exactly why this work is hard to do alone - you need someone (a mentor, a group, a trusted friend) who will challenge you to look underneath the surface-level answers.
This is also why we created a complete workbook and guided exercise for this step. It walks you through the full prioritization process: the grouping by similarity, the gut check for inherited vs. authentic values, the conversations to have with people who know you well, and the refinement that takes a long list down to the 4 to 6 values that are truly, specifically yours.
Download the Core Values Workbook
It includes the complete exercise - the same materials we use in our Designer Circles - so you can do this work at your own pace, with the depth it deserves.
If you'd rather do this work with a group - with people who will ask you the hard questions and share their own process alongside yours - that's exactly what our Designer Circles are built for. Seven live sessions. A small group of growth-minded people going through the full six-step process together.
What Happens After You Name Your Values
Once you have your final list - and it feels right, like something you recognize rather than something you constructed - your values become a decision-making tool you will use for the rest of your life.
Use them as an alignment check. Look at your current life: your job, your relationships, how you spend your time. Where is there alignment? Where is there friction? If you've done our Life Mapping exercise, you already have a framework for this - your values are what tell you why something landed in the Happy or Unhappy quadrant.
Use them as a decision filter. The next time you face a meaningful choice - a job offer, a move, a relationship - run it through your values. Does this honor what I stand for? As we wrote in The Values Edit: when you lead from your core values, you make better decisions, build stronger relationships, and earn deeper trust - because people can feel the consistency in how you show up.
Revisit them. Pernille goes back to her values regularly - refining and realizing there are still things buried underneath some inherited values. Your values don't change often, but your understanding of them deepens. Keep coming back until they continue to feel like yours.
"My core values - curiosity, courage, social justice and trust - help me to continue designing my best life."
This Is Some of the Most Important Work You Can Do
We know that sounds like a big claim. But we have watched hundreds of people go through this exercise - in living rooms, on Zoom, at retreats, in our online course - and the pattern is remarkably consistent: when people get clear on their values, every other decision gets easier because they finally have a compass.
The discomfort of saying no to what no longer fits will pass. What stays is the clarity and the deep satisfaction of living in coherence with who you are now. Not who you were. Not who you think you should be. Who you actually are.
Everything worthwhile is hard work. So if this feels hard, you're doing it right.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to identify your core values? The first pass takes about an hour. But the real work - the refining, the testing with people you trust, the honest gut checks - unfolds over weeks. We recommend going through the process once and then revisiting it several times. You will be surprised how your answers shift as you sit with them.
Can I have more than five or six core values? You can, but the power is in the constraint. Four to six forces you to prioritize, and prioritization is the whole point. If everything is a core value, nothing is a filter.
What if my values conflict with my partner's or family's? They don't have to match. What matters is that you're aware of the differences and can navigate them with intention. Happiness and unhappiness in a relationship can often be traced back to values alignment - or misalignment. Naming that is the first step to addressing it.
What if I realize my values don't match the life I'm living? That's not a failure. That's clarity. And clarity is the beginning of change. In our process, this is what connects the values work to your action plan — taking everything you've learned about yourself and putting it into motion.
How often do core values change? Rarely. What changes is your understanding of them and how you express them. Pernille's value of "curiosity" at 45 looked like climbing the corporate ladder. At 65, it looks like learning Spanish and sailing into the unknown with her husband. Same value, different expression.
Good Life Designed is a personal development company founded by Pernille Spiers-Lopez, former President of IKEA North America and Global Chief HR Officer, and her daughter Sine Maria Lopez. We offer a six-step life design process through an online course, Designer Circles, workshops, and 1:1 mentoring.
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